17 – Tactless
“Hey, Ruri, you forgot your lunch.”
I was putting on my shoes in the entrance. Mother was still in an apron when she came out of the living room
“And you were so gung-ho when you made it yesterday. You don't want all that work going to waste because you forgot it, do you?”
“Woah, it totally slipped my mind! Thanks…”
I recently started cooking for myself. Sometimes Mother taught me while I helped her cook, and although I made lunch so I could give part of it to Tateha, I was starting to have fun with the cooking itself. Mother was super happy when I told her I wanted to learn how to cook for someone else. She stopped smiling as much after she found out that I'd bullied Tateha, but her expression seemed a lot more relaxed these days.
Home life had gotten pretty rough back then. Mother looked haggard from going to Tateha's house to apologize I don't know how many times. It got to the point where Father constantly used violence for discipline, and along with my own emotional pain from the seriousness of what I had done, there was a time when I couldn't even talk.
There was no trace of that these days. Father apologized for his violent behavior. He was almost too overprotective after that. Checking in every morning to see how I was physically and emotiomally annoyed me, even though I knew it came from a place of love. More than anything, I was grateful for Mother.
When I selfishly asked to go to a middle school where people didn't know me, she let me. When I told her my school life was getting better in the new environment, and that I'd become a member of the student council and joined the cheerleading team, she smiled with relief. Whenever I got anxious and depressed about the kind of person I was, she stopped and gave me a hug. She had always been a kind person. She was the type who hated violence and brutality more than anything. Tragic news moved her to tears.
When I thought about how a mother like her had a violent daughter like me, I was crushed under the weight of guilt. I hated myself and even wondered if I was better off dead. But every time Mother hugged me tight, I felt like doing my best.
"I'm headed out!"
I don't know what she was thinking when she gave me another hug this morning.
"You'll be fine."
I wonder if she still sees the person I was back then layered over the top of me. A daughter who smashed her classmate's eye now made lunch for her friends.
I don’t know how many times her warmth had rescued me. A person's warmth melted away even the problems that made a person freeze up on their own. I wanted to become a person who could rescue others like that, eventually.
"Well, I'm off!"
I heard Father say "Take care!" from the living room. I left the house as it joined with Mother's send-off behind me.
I had mostly gotten used to rolling up the sleeves of my summer uniform. They had a different weight from the blazers, and rather than a feeling of freedom, they brought an anxious emptiness. Maybe I was just more acutely aware of things passing by because I lost the protection on my upper arms. The day was hot enough to make me want roll up my sleeves anyway in spite of that.
Frankly, ending up with a seat beside the hallway was a disaster. Even when I fanned myself with my desk pad, the lukewarm breeze on my cheek didn't make me feel any cooler. If anything, it just felt like it was making my already tired hands even more sluggish.
Everyone wandered the hallways like zombies when we changed classes. The boys even walked around in just the tank tops under their button-downs, but it probably wouldn't be long before the teachers started chewing them out over it. Deal with it... deal with it... I was frantically squashing the urge to take my ribbon off.
“You know, I wonder why we still feel hot. It's not like the human race was born yesterday." Kururu, walking beside me, kept her head held high with good posture. Sweat was dripping down her neck, but she acted like she didn't care. The billowy tips of her smooth, cat-like hair bounced every time she took a step. "Earth's environment was around before humans were, so it would have been nice if we were adapted to it. God's gotta be slacking off. It's silly that we end up complaining about it being hot or cold depending on the season.”
“It being hot and cold is what makes our lives possible, isn't it? There are flowers that don't bloom unless it's hot.”
“Then there's nothing wrong with there being people who stay planted all summer, is there?” Kururu had a bright expression as she looked away from the classroom we were walking to. “Wanna cut class?”
"What am I, a sunflower?" I got a sympathetic look because even though I cloaked my hatred of the heat behind a blank expression, it came through in my words. When I added, "I'm under a stay of execution," and kept walking, I heard a sigh and the sound of footsteps behind me.
“Oh, are you? I can help with that.”
“What do you mean, ‘help’?”
“I'll help you become a sunflower.”
If she did that, I wouldn't be able to do any summer activities. Was that a good thing? If I had to say, I liked winter a lot more than summer. There was the stabbing cold when I woke up early, the chill of the hallway spreading up from my soles, and rubbing the sleep from my eyes while I washed my face. Those unexpectedly nice memories had taken root.
“Thanks, Kururu.”
“You're welcome.” She crossed her arms like a smug kid, even though I hadn't told her what I was thanking her for.
The growing quarrel between Tateha and me was settled thanks to her. Kururu was the only one in class whose facial expression didn't change when Tateha told everyone about my history. She stepped in and said, “I guess that's being a kid for you.” It was like she was shrugging off an unimportant conversation, and I think that attitude carried over to the other students. I don't know if Kururu did that on purpose or not, but I couldn't thank her enough for it.
“I told you I'd help you atone for a crime, didn't I?”
“Ah, yeah. Thanks for telling me that. I always thought you needed to hide your sins, but you made me realize I had to face them and shoulder their burden.”
“Well, I'll take a melon yogurt frozen soda.”
“Ehhh? That's so pricey...” Wanting compensation for my gratitude was shameless! No other way to say it. But it was precisely that unpretentious behavior that had rescued me.
“Let's bring Asami-san along with us.”
“Sure! I wonder what she would like. I get the impression she likes sweet things, so maybe something strawberry?”
I… did have memories of Tateha saying she liked something. Way too many. She said everything I made her for lunch was delicious, so I really had no idea where her strike zone was. I was seized by the desire to watch Tateha smiling sweetly while she drank strawberry ice. Yeah, Kururu was right. We should definitely bring Tateha with us.
When I looked at Kururu out of the corner of my eye, I saw a faint smile on her usually expressionless lips.
“W-what?”
“Nothing, I was just thinking about you smiling by yourself.”
“No way.” I kneaded my own cheeks. They were a bit creased. My smile wouldn't go away, even though I was aware of it.
“Maybe it's a little different from a codependent relationship. You've got all sorts of reasons to choose from.”
“Uh-huuuuuh.”
“There are cases where people fell in love with their kidnappers after all.”
“Love, you say...”
It was like a bittersweet candy that got stuck in my molars a long time ago and couldn't get out. But I still understood what she meant. There was a rift between Tateha and me that couldn't be filled. It's not all that ridiculous to think we'd form a bond trying to cross that rift without opening it further.
Victimizer and victim... It's not immoral to do more than just extend a hand... or it shouldn't be. But still, being full of guilt kept me in check. I can't think about rescuing myself. I should be saving Tateha, all the way to the bitter end.
“Come to think of it, I haven't seen her around. Does she know we changed classrooms?”
“I saw her in the window when I came in earlier. I wonder if there was a pretty bird or something.”
“She has been looking outside a lot recently. She was up on the roof earlier, and she was watching the courtyard through the music room window the other day.”
“I just saw her on the third-floor landing. Maybe she's pulling a Mary-san and coming down one floor at a time, you think?”
“What should we do if she's behind us?” No one was there when I looked back. “How about I give her a call just in case. That way she won't be left behind alone in the classroom if she forgot.”
“Sounds good to me.”
It was faster to look through my call history than my contact list when I gave her a call. I'd called her last night to ask if she was doing anything. When I called at night, Tateha was usually listening to music with the app that I'd showed her. We spent about an hour recommending music to one another like close friends, and it warmed my heart.
Even though it was presumptuous of me to wish for the kind of relationship I'd wanted all along, I'd tell the weak me of the past to keep looking forward. I got the feeling I was looking up more than I was before.
The phone rang three times, then four.
I made eye contact with Kururu, which told her Tateha still wasn't picking up. Kururu tilted her head, baffled.
That was when it happened. A white object passed through the window just as we reached the hallway near the front entrance. For a moment, I wondered if someone was throwing their gym clothes into the courtyard. Or maybe it was a mischievious student trying to get away from a teacher they figured was coming to yell at them.
"KYAAA!"
Even from where I was in the school building, I could hear the piercing scream from the courtyard. That was the first thing to give me pause.
In a few moments, a commotion grew around us.
"Hey, did you see that?"
"Yikes, someone just fell!"
Curiosity seemed to drag noisy onlookers over to the courtyard window while a cold sweat broke out on my back.
“Who was it? You know which classroom they're from?”
“No clue! Someone go get a teacher, quick!”
People stampeded to gather around. They looked like ants swarming around a dead body.
“Must be serious. Ruri, I'm going to look for a teacher. I'll be back.” Kururu took the initiative and started to leave. The sound of her footsteps quickly grew distant in my consciousness.
Left by myself, I went to the courtyard still wearing my indoor shoes. There were too many people. I couldn't grasp the situation.
I got goosebumps when I heard a girl beside me whisper, “Did she jump?”
“S-sorry! Hey, let me through!”
I shoved my way through the crowd.
...I had a sense of dread from the beginning.
Back on the day of the sports festival, Tateha fell during the relay. No matter how you looked at it, it had to be on purpose. She wanted the pain, the blood to ooze, that painful-looking injury—and aimed for the ground.
She was fixated on pain. She didn't have any qualms about getting injured if it hurt. No... hurting herself was the only way she could get that pain. She needed to absorb it every now and then to stay sane in her everyday life. But the pain she needed to support herself... I had cut her off from it.
I kept thinking her happiness was tied up in simply getting away from pain.
I’m not wrong. We'll take a new step forward after we get her away from pain.
I'd been thinking of nothing but an overbearing, tactlessly earnest storyline. It's not like I understood her, even after all this time.
“...Ah.” I emerged from the crowd, and there was a human body. Its feeble, crumpled limbs lay completely motionless.
I fell to my knees.
A cellphone that someone had dropped was on the ground at my feet. The cracked screen, resembling a spiderweb, displayed a notification that I'd called.