20 – Reaper
I tried stabbing my thigh with a kitchen knife, but what I felt didn't match what I saw. There wasn't any pain, even though the blade had clearly broken the skin. I didn't feel a thing, actually. It reminded me of when I got an anesthetic at the dentist—I was spitting out blood, not feeling my teeth at all. Watching the blood run down my leg was kind of like that.
I suppose the loss of feeling also meant that it muted my sense of pain. Even Ruri-chan stabbing my thigh like she used to wouldn't bring pangs of happiness.
Was this how I'd lose myself? One part at a time?
Even though I only had a caterpillar's head, that wouldn't be what killed me. It would be a bunch of other things that slowly nibbled away at my lifespan. I'd have to jump over higher hurdles to get the intense pain I wanted, and eventually I'd do something that would put my life in danger without me realizing it. I'd keep losing parts of my body, as if the Grim Reaper was beckoning me.
First it was my right eye, now my right leg. I wondered what was next. My right hand? My voice? I thought back to the piercing being torn out—maybe my hearing?
Being inconvenienced never once made me happy. Obviously, losing the ability to move part of my body was terrifying, and living with it was annoying. I wanted to stop doing reckless things if I could. But I kept doing them anyway. It was like blinking—I couldn't help but do it.
There was 30,000 yen left on the living table for spending money this month. It seemed like a little more than usual. Maybe it was because the air conditioner was on, but the bills were extremely cold when I picked them up.
Everyone in class congratulated me after a long absence from school. Ruri-chan, who I'd only talked to just yesterday, was rooted to the spot as she watched me. I immediately understood I had planted the seed of doubt and indecision that I saw in her eyes.
"Woah, Asami-chan, your leg's bleeding!"
I only noticed after my classmate mentioned it. My skirt hid the source of the blood, which ran down my leg like a vein. Now that it had been pointed out, I realized I hadn't dealt with the cut from stabbing myself earlier.
"Ah, so I am."
I hadn't noticed, reallyyy. Even though it would be best to just talk like normal, the muscles in my throat went limp, like they had quit on the job. In the mess, my mouth disconnected from my brain and it sounded like mud spilling out.
My classmates looked at each other, clearly confused.
"Tateha, you didn't cut through all that brush again, did you?"
Ruri-chan heaved a sigh. I hadn't realized she had come over to where I was. My head dropped to my shoulder. I didn't know what she was doing.
"You cut your leg in there before, didn’t you? There's a shortcut on her way to school, but the grass is pretty out-of-control since no one takes care of it. She occasionally gets cuts on her leg when she goes through. It's like how getting a papercut doesn't hurt, you know?” Ruri-chan pretended to explain as she stood in front of me.
That seemed to satisfy everyone, since they were like 'Oh, that makes sense! You should get a bandaid!' and went back to their seats.
"Yeah, let's do that. Come to the nurse's office with me, Tateha." Ruri-chan tugged on my hand and pulled me into the hallway.
"What was that all about,” I asked Ruri-chan as she made a beeline for the nurse's office.
"Don't worry about it. I was just lying like I always do."
"I take it lying’s your second language, huh?"
She replied without hesitation, as if she was just talking about her day. "I'm good at tricking people."
Even though her voice didn't have a shred of confidence when she said that, I wasn't sure how to encourage her. Was taking pride in tricking people really all that praiseworthy in the first place?
The nurse’s office had opened for the morning. We got there just as the nurse was ducking out to boil some water. They told Ruri-chan to help herself to whatever she needed.
I sat on a round stool and rolled up my skirt. Sure enough, the blood had come from my thigh. While the blood hadn't fully dried, it seemed like the bleeding had already stopped. Ruri-chan cleaned my leg with a wet handkerchief. Her hand on my thigh wasn't cold, but it wasn't warm either.
"Just like I thought, you did this yourself."
Ruri-chan looked resentful as she stared at the cut I'd made on my thigh for some reason. I couldn't help but wonder why she looked so irritated, since traces of the wounds she'd made were still here and there.
"There wasn’t any point, though." I relaxed my shoulders and stared out the window. "It didn't hurt at all."
"A cut this deep has to hurt, doesn't it?"
"No, it doesn't! There's no feeling in it."
Ruri-chan sullenly looked up when I said that.
Ah, right. I still haven't told Ruri-chan.
"I, um, hit my neck when I fell. I don't have much feeling in my right thigh because of it."
"That's… Are you okay?"
"I can still walk, but my physical therapist says I still need rehab because I end up falling over every now and then. It's not like I need crutches or anything,” I said while flashing my hands. It did nothing to clear up Ruri-chan's stormy expression.
"Stay behind after homeroom finishes today."
"Why?"
"We’re going home together."
It was only at times like this when Ruri-chan wouldn't look at my face. Instead, she slowly put the bandage on with trembling hands.
This is only becoming more of a problem. There was no point in going home together. All we did was talk about music when I invited her over. I didn't bother with the music she told me about; and I hadn't even been listening to it recently. I never liked her music to begin with. I just played along with Ruri-chan and asked about how she felt just to get her in the mood to listen to my requests. Honestly, I didn't have much fun talking about music.
"Got it." And yet, I didn't turn her down because I still clung to a thread of hope. It's the same trick I'd use if I'd been locked away in a psych ward with my arms and legs bound. If I listened to Ruri-chan, maybe she would give in first.
It was like covering myself in leaves for camouflage. I'd eagerly lie in wait to ambush Ruri-chan and relight the black fire in her gentle eyes.