25 – Embers

The streets after dark have a different aura from the day. The hustle and bustle seem louder and drift through the area mixing with the scent of smoke. An office worker slinked through the laughing voices; taxis came and went who knows where.

I walked around a little, and whenever someone came near me, I got the feeling they were about to talk to me and looked up. I limped through streets overflowing with strangers.

Hoping to find somewhere to kill time, I tried going to the train station, but I was already tired of playing games at the arcade. I also tried window shopping, but since I didn't look very friendly when I saw my reflection, I didn't think I'd have all that much fun. I just wandered around streets I didn't know, thinking about things as if they didn't concern me.

The pink lights from the increasing number of izakaya and karaoke booths cast a dark shadow of me as I tried to avoid people.

I still caught glimpses of Mom's back in my mind's eye. It was like she was abandoning me. The cheerful voice of a man I didn't know rang in my ear drums, and I could still smell the strong perfume.

I opened my hand. A brilliant blue reflected moonlight. I guess I'd accidentally taken the butterfly hairpin with me. I'd apparently been gripping it so hard that my palm had turned purple where it was pressed in. The dull pain in my palm throbbed along with my temples.

—Huh? I have no idea what this is. What the hell was with this hairpin if Mom didn't know about it? I went out with her, and she bought it for me. Or had I imagined the whole thing?

I felt a chill. It was as if the butterfly was dissolving into a syrupy black liquid. My memories and hopes dripped through my fingers and mixed with the dirt, leaving only my doubts.

It was 7 p.m. I had another two hours. What to do… it's not just that Mom told me not to come home, I didn't want to go while there was a man I didn't know. On the other hand, I had nowhere else to go.

I kept walking around at random while watching the time on the broken screen of my phone.

I passed delicious-smelling izakaya crammed next to one another. A man wearing a suit started talking at me. It sounded like he was recruiting part-timers and wanted to invite me in to get a sense of the job.

Even though I struggled to respond to him, he stayed glued to my side. When I stopped at a red light, he stopped. Even though I didn't want to look at him, I could tell he was staring at my face. I couldn't take my eyes off the ground.

Suddenly, a large hand reached for me, and I jumped back in a panic.

"I-I'm good!"

My voice instantly vanished in the din, but I didn't care if the guy heard me or not. I turned away from the pedestrian crossing and ran off a different way. The streets at night were no different from my house a while ago.

The space I was in was consistently starved of oxygen, and I gasped for air like I was choking on something I couldn't swallow. The so-called 'place where I belong' had been totally snatched away, and it left me feeling like a scattered flock of birds with nowhere else to go after they'd been driven from a forest cleared to make way for an empty lot.

I wondered why I had started to feel like this.

My finger traced over the broken LCD screen and I looked for somewhere to kill time.

Not just that, but what happened after I killed time? I didn't think the feeling of not being allowed to exist anywhere in the world would go away, even once I got home at nine. Wounds leave scars, and mine sapped away at my will to live.

<<Heard there's a miniquiz tomorrow! Be sure to study!!>>

A cheerful ping accompanied the message notification. It was from Ruri-chan.

Her message, framed in white, felt like a bright, fresh wind far removed from this tarpit of a city. I had no idea why. I'd pushed the call button in the app before I realized it. The phone rang once, then immediately picked up.

{{Tateha?}}

Through the smartphone, her voice sounded different than usual. It was a little muffled. I thought I could hear music coming from her end, along with the occasional clatter of tableware. Maybe she was getting ready to go somewhere?

{{Gosh! What's up?}}

Why did I call her? I didn't have anything to talk about. My fingers had moved independently of my consciousness. I couldn't say I had a reason for calling. I got out of the road and sat down on the closest bench. I rubbed my knee, sticky with sweat, and focused on the sound of Ruri-chan breathing.

{{Hey—can you hear me? Tateha?}}

Come to think of it, I still hadn't had dinner. I should buy a bento at the convenience store after this. Nutrition is nutrition, whether it was good or bad. You need it to keep living. My body, and all the additives and preservatives flowing through its blood—who the hell was it for? Who did it belong to?

{{Huh. Weird. Is your reception bad?}}

Mom didn't remember going out with me. She didn't remember buying the butterfly hairpin. She didn't remember holding hands when we went home. She didn't remember even smiling a little when I put on the hairpin for her.

Everything was smeared in lies. I couldn't even see reality anymore.

There wasn’t a sign I existed anywhere.

{{Helloooo? Tateha??}}

"I want to see you."

It was the last light of a fading sparkler. My mutters were like embers dropping after they'd gotten too heavy to keep carrying. The words I could give to my reasons for calling, what I would talk about, were completely hollowed out by flames.

Even if I suddenly expressed them, it's not like they'd do any good. It was already late, for starters, and it also sounded like Ruri-chan was getting ready to go out. This affair was riddled with problems. I regretted it the moment I spoke.

I tried to end the call without saying anything. I pulled the phone away from my ear.

{{Got it.}} I heard her powerful voice beside my ear. {{Where are you?}}

"A bench at the station. South entrance, I think?"

{{So that’s where you are, huh. I'm on my way.}}

The call ended. The only thing on the screen was Ruri-chan's name and the call duration.

I touched a hand to my lips, which craved something.

She's a harmless mimic. One ruined former bully among the masses. Insignificant. Our interests were diametrically opposed; the pact that bound us together long gone. Even with her mask peeled off, she was a naked hypocrite who twisted words. She wasn't kind. And even if she was, the actions of a person who seemed to have a caring bond with someone definitely couldn't breathe new life into my outlook on things.

I wonder why I told her I wanted to see her. My lips and fingers, which moved at their own convenience, didn't have an answer either.

I sighed and decided to wait for Ruri-chan to show up.