4 - Prosthetic
My blood flowed down the drain. I happened to see some sort of report about wrist cutting on TV and it made me curious about what it was like. Even though it's called 'self-harm', it's scientifically proven that when humans feel pain, our brains release dopamine to reduce feelings of stress and anxiety. There's no denying it's a harmful act, but it doesn't carry a negative connotation. Really, you could call it a decision made for the sake of continuing to live.
That said, I regretted cutting my own wrists.
I wasn't particularly anxious or distressed, just chasing the pleasant feeling that came after the pain. I didn't find it, though. Even though the pain I loved might be deeper under my skin, my brain kept me in check whenever I decided to cut myself. There are things inside my body that are off-limits, like blood vessels. My hand seemed to be aware that it would kill me if I cut too deep and always stopped itself short. I love pain, but it's not like I wanted to die. I got out of the bath and rolled a bandage around my wrists.
I didn’t bother with dressing to go get milk from the fridge, since my mom wasn’t home. She was never home. My dad took care of me as far back as I could remember, up until my parents divorced when I was an elementary student. I don't have any memories of my mom helping.
She generously paid her dues for raising me, more than I really needed. When I woke up in the mornings, 2000 yen was on the table, and the refrigerator was stuffed with side dishes from the supermarket and bento boxes from the convenience store. Her stance was that I should just buy myself whatever I liked, so I got 20,000 yen in pocket money every month.
I'm aware I was spoiled with a lot of things, but love wasn't one of them. I never went on trips with mom, not even out to play. She never made an appearance at school events like the entrance or graduation ceremonies. The only times she was around were for things like parent-teacher meetings, where not coming would cast doubt on her good judgement as a working adult. When mom was in front of the teachers, she acted like she truly loved me. I'm pretty sure I inherited her ability to aim an insincere smile at adults and carry on with mundane conversation.
There were no signs of my presence in the house. No family photographs, no childhood photo albums, no gifts for me, no clothes I picked out together with her. Not one thing. And if I vanished from this world, I doubt anyone visiting this house would notice I ever existed.
I used the suction cup tool to help remove my prosthethic right eye while looking in the mirror. I had a hard time with it in the beginning, but it was surprisingly easy once I got used to it. The weird sensation when it comes out with a pop is kind of nice. I rinsed the hemispherical prosthetic in cold water and slipped it into its case.
The gaping cavity reflected in the mirror was reddish inside, with a gradation that looked like raw meat due to remaining fragments of sclera. The cavity that had been opened in me was the only sign that I had truly lived.
I wasn't able to find anything I particularly wanted to do in elementary school or middle school, and I don't remember any accomplishments, either. I wouldn't say I had much of anything to reflect back on. If I were to turn around and look back at the road I’d traveled, there wouldn’t be anything to see. Not even a single footprint.
Only an open, cavernous windhole.
A single moment from a single day.
The feelings I accepted then certainly never would have come from my mom. Unlike her muted, flavorless feelings, which could be called indifferent, the emotions I recieved back then were ones that became more intense by the day.
Ruri-chan etched everything she did to me deep into my right eye.
A few days after the entrance ceremony, the classroom vibe was firming up and the students had split into four groups. I, who talked to everyone and went around people-pleasing, brushed past that development like an asteroid restlessly orbiting other celestial bodies.
Still, I patiently kept chatting up Ruri-chan. Her natural brightness and adorable appearance always cheered up the classroom, and it was proving to give her the presence of a class leader. So, even when I kept striking up conversation with her, it didn't come off as weirdly contrived.
She was obviously avoiding me, though. Actually, it was more like she was scared of me. We could talk to one another, but it was clear there was a wall between us somewhere. Despite that, she'd stare at me from a distance when I was chatting with someone in class. No. Monitoring me, perhaps, waiting to see when I would drop the bomb.
A good opportunity to call on her came during the homeroom when we selected the class representatives. Basically, two class reps were selected for the job. Ruri-chan was nominated, having already become the center of the classroom. She cheerfully accepted, but no one aside from her wanted to do it. The other person eventually had to be decided by lottery. The slip I drew from the box when it was my turn was marked with a crimson circle.
I would be a class rep alongside her. Apparently there was a student council meeting right after school. I struck up a conversation once class ended.
"Ruri-chan, there's apparently a committee meeting in a sec. Let's go to the A/V room together!"
Her shoulders flinched as she packed things into her bag, then she slowly stood up. "R-right, sure. By the way, that must have been a disaster for you, right, Tateha?"
"It's fine, it's fine. That was just the luck of the draw, not really much I could do about it. Besides, I'm happy I can go to meetings with you and get to know you better. You knooow, I was really nervous when I started high school because I figured I'd be surrounded by strangers. But it's easy to talk to youuu, since we already knew each other."
We go out into the hallway, where there is a mix of students participating in club activites or hanging around to chat. The basketball club members were having a blast, laughing loudly as they passed a ball to one another. Students who weren't in the same class occasionally waved at Ruri-chan.
"You've already become Miss Popular, huuuh, Ruri-chan."
"Eh? Um, no way, I wouldn't say I'm that popular. Back on the day of the entrance ceremony, there was another student who called out to me and... um, this is embarrassing, but they said they liked my face."
"That's what they mean by popularity, you knooow. It was part of the reason you got nominated as a class rep. You're as amazing as I thought you'd be, Ruri-chaaan."
"I only got the nomination because they say I'm the best at chatting. I was just the easiest person to ask."
"Jeez, now you're just being modest."
Ruri-chan already had the weight of every single one of her classmates' trust on her back. To them, she looked like a reliable person: trustworthy, boundlessly cheerful, and a good character. They're convinced she's a... virtuous person.
"You're eve-ry-one's reliable leader, Ruri-chaaan."
She flushed bashfully. Her smile looked as if it could squeeze the memories of the past from the corners of her narrowed eyes.
"Look out!" I heard a shout.
It came from my right, though—the half of my world blanketed in darkness. I could only see in that direction with my left eye, which meant turning my head. I was too late. I felt something rough strike my right cheek. From the floor where I fell, I could see a basketball bouncing to a rest.
"Yikes, you got hit. You okay?"
The basketball club, which had been in high spirits until now, rushed over to me. I wanted nothing more than to put on a fake smile like always. I couldn't look up, though, because I noticed blood dripping from my right eye. I think I was bleeding because the prosthetic had shifted and cut the flesh inside.
"Tateha!"
Ruri-chan noticed.
My eye wasn't bleeding enough to make a mess, but it would definitely drip out if I didn't cover it with my hand.
"Uh, you could have dodged that just now, you know," said one of the basketball club members.
"'Could have dodged'? Come on, you were the ones who hit her, you should be the ones apologizing! Tateha's right eye..." Ruri started to say before trailing off.
If I was normal, I probably could have dodged the basketball, but I never saw it coming because my right eye was dead. Ruri-chan was the murderer.
"Tateha, let's go to the nurse's office. Are you able to stand up?"
"Y-Yeah." Still holding my right eye, I accepted the shoulder Ruri-chan offered.
"Tateha, are you okay?" As we walked, she anxiously kept asking if I was okay.
Each time she did, I became aware of the sting of the oozing cut I made on my wrist the day before. Blood comes with tears. My heart felt frozen, as if I'd swallowed an ice cube.
Once she helped me into a bed in the nurse's office, I grabbed her hand as she attempted to flee the scene. "Stay here, Ruri-chan."
She let out a small whimper and took my hand.