5 - Skull

There wasn't anyone in the nurse's office after school.

I was often in the infirmary for care back in elementary and middle school. There was this nurse who made me drink hot water for my stomachaches a few times. Back then, students came in one after another, but now that everyone was a high schooler and probably off finding hangouts of their own, I suspected their visits might not be as frequent anymore.

The room was quiet. I could hear voices through the window on the other side of the room, but not well enough to make out what they were saying. It was if the muffled voices were leaking in from another world.

"Could you close the curtains?"

Still, I didn't want anyone who came in to be able to see us. Ruri-chan's expression clouded at the sight of the detached prosthetic eye. A long silence dragged on while I kept a tissue pressed to my eye, waiting for it to stop bleeding. She clutched at the hem of her skirt, trying to say something. Whatever it was didn't leave her mouth.

Once the bleeding stopped, I took my hand away from my eye. Ruri-chan looked into the cavity, and I wondered what she saw in that abyss.

"I'm sorry." It was like she was in space. There was oxygen, but she was suffocating and her voice didn't carry. "I'm sorry, I really am."

Drops fell on the hand clutching her skirt. It was a shower of human tears, coming like quick bursts of rain from the clouds. Then, as if nothing ever happened, the storm broke and sun began to shine in through a break in the departing scud.

"I always wanted to apologize... about your eye... but I was scared..."

"You gave me so many apologies back when we were in elementary school, Ruri-chan. I can't tell you how many times you came over to my house. That's more than enough."

An apology isn't medicine. It's nothing more than a bandage on a wound, and no matter how many you put on, it doesn't make the wound heal any faster.

"You're thinking, 'how dare you', right? I was a horrible bully. I said so many awful things. I permanently injured you... I took away your vision. I know just saying sorry isn't enough." Ruri-chan was surely clutching the bonds she built and trust she earned from her classmates in her clenched fist. They were slowly dissolving in the sweaty palms that clung to them. "But... I... want to change. I really thought about how I could get better at being a decent human being, but after something like that, others start to look at you in a certain way and it makes change hard."

What does it mean to be a decent human being? If it's based on whether or not someone was a bully, that would mean you could define it equally as well based on whether or not someone was a victim, wouldn't it?

"I wanted to start over from scratch, so I transferred to a different middle school. I wanted to help if someone was in trouble. I wanted to comfort those in distress. I didn't want myself to be that kind of person anymore. Tateha, you see... I've changed. I don't want to do what I did to you ever again." Her rattling white teeth peeked from behind her light pink lips, almost like a skull crying after its flesh peeled away. "That's why—If you can forgive me, Tateha... I want to be your friend. I'll always cherish you and treat you with kindness. Could we start over again, just this once?"

"Ruri-chan..."

The mood almost felt like the intermission in a play.

"I'm sorry for running away up to now. For me, facing you... was scary... But I'm not going to run away from you anymore!"

I guess that explains what changed. She very likely didn't go to our hometown middle school so she could reform herself in a new environment. From her perspective, it was probably even a success, given that last time I saw her she was curled motionless in the woods at the shrine, swarmed by horseflies. Nobody could see a bully in Ruri-chan, much less a bully who stabbed another person's eye with a mechanical pencil. She had become a good, sunny girl everyone could rely on.

"Of course, Ruri-chan. I want to be on good terms with you, too."

"Tateha..."

"Enough of that. I can tell just how strongly you've got your heart set on reflection. That's why I don't want you to apologize anymore."

Some aspect of her shifted as she held my hand, and before I knew it, her expression had become one of a bewildered person praying to god in church. She kept muttering "thank you" as the tip of her nose turned red.

"So prosthetic eyes are actually a half-globe, huh?" she asked, seemingly taking a look at the one from my right eye.

"Yeah, that's what they're like. I didn't know either until I got mine."

"Um, Tateha, have you told anyone about it yet?"

"Haven't said a word. No one's asked."

"That's probably a good thing. There absolutely are people who would bully you about it. Be careful, you'll run into people like those jerks from the basketball club just now."

Almost everyone reacts like they're disgusted when they see my right eye without the prosthetic. Even I feel a little grossed out when I see it in the mirror. My mom seems fully creeped out. Ruri-chan, though, looked into my right eye while maintaining her earnest expression.

"If something like that happens, tell me. I'll absolutely protect you, Tateha."

That's wrong, Ruri-chan! Completely wrong! I didn't want something like kindness. Kindness wouldn't fill my life.

"I want to atone. If there's anything I can do for you, Tateha, I'll do it. I'll do anything for you."

"In that case, Ruri-chan, there is one thing..."

It's not that I particularly want to reconcile. It's not like I want to become good friends by burying the hatchet you took to me that day. I didn’t grant you absolution from your suffering because I wanted to set you free. Ruri-chan, you see, I...

I want you to cut through the stagnant air of this empty life.

"I want you to stab me," I say, pointing at my right eye. "You have a mechanical pencil in your bag, right?"

Ruri-chan's mouth was frozen half-open, unable to comprehend the situation. Slowly, her expression crumpled in anguish. Ahh, she got it wrong again. She fundamentally misunderstood me and fell back into the regrets from the old days. But that was also my fault for not being clear.

"Come here, Ruri-chan," She only came a little closer when I tugged on her hand. "I don't want anyone else to hear this."

I pulled her into my arms, and she ended up hanging over me. A plump, adorable ear appeared in front of my face.

"The thing is... I love pain," I whispered, almost sighing.

Ruri-chan practically jumped back to her feet. Her face turned crimson as she cradled the ear I breathed into.

"So, could you stab me?" I wasn't going anywhere. I stretched out on the bed and waited for her reply. "If stabbing is too much for you, heat works too. Anything painful is okay. I just want something like you did back then."

"I won't... do that."

"Why not?"

"I won't do something that would hurt you again, Tateha, I just won't. I worked so hard to change. I don't want to be a person who makes others suffer anymore."

"But you can do it, right? After all, you were able to do it before."

She should know what to do. She should have the muscle memory. She should already be used to doing this. If I went to another person, a normal person, they'd take it easy when they played with me. Ruri-chan didn't have any such restraint. I wanted that lack of restraint. I wanted to relish the euphoria I felt in my very bones as I put my entire soul into shrieking for her to stop, my face soaked in tears and snot.

Please Ruri-chan. Please.

"No one will ever know if you do it now, Ruri-chan, there's no one coming."

I extended my hand. My pleading was all the reason she needed to snatch her hand away.

"N-no matter how much you want it, that's i-impossible...!"

She fled the room, leaving me alone. My hand remained extended, the warmth gradually fading as a gentle spring breeze graced my cheek.

Ah, I see. This is kind of disappointing. The person you were back then is gone. But it's not possible to change just like that. The structure of human nature is changeless.

I knew that was what Ruri-chan feared most. How would she feel if she knew that too, I wondered. Angry? Bitter? Or maybe the old Ruri-chan would show up for me again. She would, I was sure. After all, for as much as she thought she had changed, human warmth didn't pass through the mask she had plastered on.

If that was how Ruri-chan had decided to live, then I had no reason to care anymore.