8 – Ridicule
If we assume a murderer we saw on the news is evil, the good person in that situation was the one who stopped the murders, right? Or was it the person who reported the crime? Or maybe, the person who lectures 'murder is bad!' from a safe distance was the good person?
That might be a bold, crass example, but the difference between what is considered good or evil is that huge. If someone carelessly stabs someone else while they walk around downtown with a knife, that makes them evil. But what do you have to do to be a good person?
That was the kind of labyrinth I willingly stepped into and wandered around until night fell.
Two months had passed since the entrance ceremony. The constant, near-daily rain and the humidity it brought as summer approached was getting exhausting. I wondered when it was I stopped watching the snails leisurely crawl on hydrangea stems. My eyes still turned in that direction, so I might just be more aware of when I looked than back then.
I loved to poke the snails with a twig and closely observe their life and habits when I came across them. It wasn't just snails, really, I loved insects in general. I wasn't great with stuff like flying ants, but my favorites were small bugs that slowly crawled forward with great effort, like snails, catepillars, and wooly bears.
That's another thing I wasn’t engaged with anymore.
The rainy season was lashing the windows in waves today, same as always.
Tateha took the day off because she apparently had a cold. As I stared absentmindedly at her empty seat, I heard a classmate say her name.
"How about sending someone to check up on Tateha? Everyone here is on good terms with her, right?"
Unlike in elementary and middle school, it was hard to be obvious about bullying in high school. I couldn't remember any bullying incidents, at least as far as I could tell. Still, even if the bullying wasn’t open, it seemed to me like other forms of vicious behavior had taken its place, like ridicule, fake sympathy, and treating others with contempt.
"Wouldn't she just say, 'Ehhh? It's fiiiine, don't worry abooout iiit'? We should let her rest if she has a cold, shouldn't we?"
The girls in class mocked the way Tateha spoke. We made eye contact while I mused to myself that they weren't even close to sounding like her.
"I just remembered, Miyama-san. You went to elementary school with Asami-san, didn't you?"
"I did, yeah, but…"
"What was she like? Any fun stories about her you can share?"
I wondered if perhaps I made the same face back then. They had a sanguine smile plastered on, grinning for a bite of gossip. People make that kind of face when they think they have to make fun of that kind of person to preserve their own sanity. Just the thought of myself making that face while I harassed Tateha back in elementary school made me taste bile.
"Nah, nothing especially funny. She hasn't changed any since elementary school. She was a good girl who was easy to talk to. If I had to say, she was so considerate that I was hoping she'd be a little more selfish."
The girls around me looked bored, probably because they hadn't harvested any grist for the rumor mill.
"Hmm, well, I guess that tracks…"
I knew, though. I knew groups are extremely strong when everyone agrees with one another. They're also a nuisance, because the absolute bonds within the group force them to build a structure where they say they're in the right and everyone outside the group is an enemy. But as long as even one person has a different opinion, those bonds can't form. As long as I took Tateha's side, what the class thought or said was unable to cause division. Fortunately, I had the standing in class to make it possible.
The scheme to spread gossip about her broke down since I wouldn't agree to bad-mouth her. It was irritating just how transparent it all was. I also looked for the approval of the kids around me and spread rumors right after I first met Tateha. I did things like put on the good girl act in front of the teacher and turn my eyes up to the boys. I'd also imitate all of her movements and laugh.
To me, it seemed like she put on a forced act, and it was cringy to see. The way she tilted her head in confusion like a little bird, shuffled around like a penguin, looked up at you like a dog when she was embarrassed, and talked like a cold draft blowing. Now, though, I've come to think all of those are quirks of her personality. I'm not able to do those things, at least.
She’s affable, and I just couldn’t help wanting to protect her. But that was only when she was interested in me. Even now, I can feel my mood darkening when she's turning her eyes up at other people. I wondered if the girls who brought her up now felt the same way.
I selfishly felt betrayed when I learned a smile I thought was only directed at me was actually a smile she pointed at everyone. I was happy whenever Tateha struck up a conversation with me but couldn't help my irritation when I saw her do the same with other people. If that irritation keeps growing, it births a human like me.
"Even a common cold is something to worry about, you know? I'll try going to her house after school."
If the wicked people are the ones who bad-mouth others, then I think the person who stops the bad-mouthing embodies virtue. A good person is one who maintains things around the fringes.
…I wonder if that's really true.
I slid the notebook with the day’s lesson notes into my bag and headed for Tateha's house. By my count, I've been there maybe five times. The first was when I came with Mother to apologize for destroying her eye.
Ultimately, what stuck with me most was Mother's comment that this was a problem that couldn't be solved with an apology. I came close to crying every time I thought about what I should do, but those tears immediately dried up once I realized that Tateha was definitely the one who wanted to cry. It was the opposite for Mother; she wailed the entire time. I really don't know if she was sad or not because, like me, she just might not have known what she should do.
The second and third visits were to apologize again. I think the purpose might have been that several apologies would somehow show sincerity. Why we didn't go a fourth or fifth time, well, I wasn't able to ask.
The fourth and fifth visits came after I entered high school. Both times were at Tateha's request.
She said she likes being in pain. I thought it was a joke or something when I first heard that. I also thought that she might be saying that to provide a justification for my past bullying. I gradually realized I was wrong about that, though.
She teared up and pleaded with me to stop while I stabbed her with a mechanical pencil or strangled her, and yet, her eye twinkled like it was bursting with stars, crimson stained her cheeks, and her lips melted.
A face like–like that. It was... Seriously, it was like she was moaning in pleasure.
I clenched my fists tight, the sweat spreading.
Assuming she has these... preferences? Inclinations? Fetishes...? What... what does that mean? And if she does have a fetish... even then, the pleasure... is rooted in... sex... so wh-what does that make me when I'm lending her a hand?
But the status quo didn't give me the choice of refusing. If I turned Tateha down, she might tell Kururu about her right eye, just like she told her how I was abused. I couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't.
As far as bad people go, they're humans who are abominable, contemptable, who always needed to be kept in line.
The way people looked at me clearly changed after I stabbed Tateha's eye with a mechanical pencil. No one at school smiled at me anymore, teachers included. They shunned me, their distant eyes wondering if they were looking at garbage. It was a really tough time. I didn't want to go to school, and it reached the point where I couldn't go outside because I was anxious someone might be watching me walk around downtown.
Considering what I'd done, I think it was reasonable I'd at least get treated that way, but it didn't change the fact it was tough.
My past… if it leaked out now…
Even though I’d gone through great pains to do it, I had been able to fix myself and become a normal human who could get along with everyone. My past would ruin everything; the smiles aimed at me until now, the trust I'd earned, everything would go away. My hands trembled in fear whenever I imagined it.
I exhaled to release the tension and rang Tateha's doorbell. Even though I'd tried to send her a message, it never got marked read. She might be sleeping, maybe. I didn't want to wake her up, so I was going to wait a moment and put the notebook in her mailbox and go back if she didn't come out. Just as I decided to do that, the door slowly opened.
"Ah, wha? Ruri-chan?" Tateha stared in astonishment, a cooling pad stuck to her forehead.
"Sorry Tateha, did I wake you?"
"No, luckily I was thirsty and downstairs making tea."
"Ah, okay. Did your fever go down? I heard you had a cold…"
"I'm nearly back to normal. I feel a little dizzy, but that might just be from oversleeping." She laughed emptily, seemingly embarrassed as she ran her hand through her bed hair to flatten it.
"By the way, is your cold... because I poured water on you yesterday?"
Yesterday was another day like that. She told me to meet her after school no matter what and gave me a request to follow after we went to a bathroom in the old, unused schoolhouse. She'd filled a bucket with water and pleaded with me to shove her head in.
"It's not good to stand here talking, so, um… come on in? No one's home right now.”
She looks up like a puppy when she seems embarrassed. Tilts her head like a little bird. Laughs "ehehe" like a jingling cat bell.
"What was she like? Do you have any funny stories about her?" I remembered what that girl in class asked me.
"Well, I guess I'll come in."
If it's true that a good person is the one who stops the crimes committed by a bad person, then this is the only thing I can do. I stole Tateha's right eye, and it's absolutely necessary to light the path ahead to atone for the parts of her that I plunged into darkness.
I slowly passed through the front door.