9 – Water

Colorful decorations with a pink and green theme adorned Tateha's room. Books, towels, and other items filled the three identical flat-pack shelves lined up side-by-side. There was a round pink table in the center of the room. A hand mirror, facial cream, and lotions were left on top of it. The mostly natural colors in the room created a serene vibe, and I felt like a bug walking among flowers.

"I brought my notebook, but I'll leave it here for the time being. My handwriting's not very good though, so it might be hard to read."

"Don't worry about it. Thanks, Ruri-chan."

Tateha sat on her bed. Beside it were a stick of soap-scented deodorant, an alarm clock with apple motifs, and a pale blue tissue box. Judging from the wadded up tissues scattered around, she probably was dealing with a runny nose.

"Are your parents both out working?"

"Yeah, Mom works mornings and evenings. She gets back after I'm asleep, and she’s already gone by the time I get up. Dad hasn't been here since the divorce."

"I see. You're not lonely? With no one here, I mean."

Tateha's family name changed sometime around fourth grade. I didn't see her around much by that point, but I did notice that the name on her gym clothes had changed when we passed in the halls. I immediately thought 'divorce', and apparently I had been right.

"At night, but only a little bit. Turning on the TV livens up the place, and I also usually have the radio on while I'm in the bath, so it doesn't bother meee."

She started telling me about her favorite variety shows and gave me some recommendations for radio shows. Whenever I said, "I know that one, I like it too," she looked overjoyed.

"You listen to music, right, Ruri-chan? What are you intooo?"

"Usually songs like drama themes. I don’t really know much about genre… Ah, maybe ballads, too. Songs where I can follow the lyrics. I don't really listen to genres where it's hard to understand the lyrics, like rap."

"You don't saaay. Could you share some of the music you like? I want to listen, too."

Tateha cleared her throat with a small cough, then got off the bed to move closer. She fiddled with the placement of the cooling pad on her forehead while I opened the app on my smartphone. The pad didn't seem very comfortable.

"It's impossible to find a good place for those once you start paying attention to them, isn't it?"

"Ah, y-you were watching? Geez, that's embarrassing.” She hid her forehead with both arms and curled up.

I took a sidelong glance at her, then played my favorite song. Once the acoustic guitar intro started and she closed her eyes to listen closely, the glance became a stare.

Her eyelashes were always curled like she had shaped them while they were damp, so my impression was that she wore makeup. I realized now they were probably just naturally curly. Her face took on a beautiful, intelligent aura when she closed her eyes, and it was a total change from her usual gentle appearance. As I admired the features of her face like that, one-by-one, her eyes flashed open.

I flinched from the impact of our gazes colliding head on. She looked unconcerned.

"It's a nice song, yeah. I don't know how to describe it, like, it feels lonely but ends up more forward-looking or something... Hrm… I… I'm not very good at putting this kind of thing into words."

"I think it's better to just say how you felt while you were listening. It's okay if you can't put that into words. As long as you liked it, I'm happy."

"I’m a listener after todaaay. Ah, but I don't have any apps or anything. Is the one you have free?"

"It's not, but the first month is. We could try installing it for now and you can subscribe if you like it. It's 980 yen a month, so you can decide if that's expensive or not."

"I seeee, ah, what was the app again?"

"Um, it's this one."

She leaned in at the same time I tried to show her my phone, and nearly bumped heads. The tip of her nose was just in front of mine, and I swear I could even feel her breath. The space between me and her grew sticky at the same moment, as if fumes from an oil heater, sultry and shimmering, were twisting it into a mirage.

"Installed it. I'll try giving it a listen right now."

My sinuses gradually filled with heat as I watched Tateha happily flick away at her screen adding music to a playlist.

"Ruri-chan."

She called my name. It was friendly, bubbly. Her poofed-out bed hair bounced around like an antenna. If it displayed emotion like a dog’s tail, I'd like to imagine that emotion was happiness. That put me in a good mood too, so I cheerfully asked, "What is it?" I felt a smile creep into my cheeks, and my eyes narrowed like they were trying to keep up with it.

"I want to do it."

Her eyes looked dewy. I was reflected there like the shimmery light of an unhappy moon on water.

"Maybe... we shouldn't," she continued, sitting in a seiza position with fists tightly clenched on her thighs.

In the beginning, I thought it was a little weird when Tateha told me that she liked being in pain. I had my doubts about her character, but I wasn't able to disavow her, either. I was aware there were people out there who could say they liked to see things like blood and suffering without any shame, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Those sorts of people are generally awful, and that's clear from hearing about them on the news. That's why it filled me with dread when she turned out to be someone like that.

But she's also different from them. I like being in pain. I want to be in pain. Please, Ruri-chan. Tateha always looks troubled and embarrassed when she says that kind of thing, like she's begging me with full awareness that it's not normal.

"When I see you, Ruri-chan, I... I'm not able to control myself." Tateha looked at me, her ears already deep red.

I replied, "It’s okay. What would you like me to do today?"

After all, her requests definitely required courage. Saying something that reveals your inner self to another person is as embarrassing as you'd expect. It’s no different from confessing to someone you like. I wasn't so shocked that I could disregard that.

"Well..."

I was shocked when Tateha slipped out of her cardigan and lifted her shirt. The skin she exposed with the two of us alone in the room was as white and unbroken as a fresh snow. It seemed like the fragrance of soap-scented deodorant was growing stronger. My head swam when I realized the scent might not be deodorant, but the shampoo she used.

As lonely-sounding raindrops drummed on the window, she pointed to her belly and said, "I want you to crush my stomach."