10 – Prison

I kept staring at my fingers pressed against her belly button in bewilderment.

Compared to what I used to do, like stabbing her with a mechanical pencil or strangling her, this was practically conventional. Better than doing something that would leave marks on Tateha's body, right? My only worry was that my reference scale might have broken a long time ago.

I nestled closer to Tateha, whose dewy eyes pierced through me as she leaned against the bedrail, sheets clutched in hand, shirt still rolled up. I wondered if she knew just how many people she could send into turmoil with that shimmering gaze.

"Ah!" She let out a weak cry and her body shivered when I gingerly touched her belly.

"Sorry, was that cold?"

My fingers and toes were always icy since my normal body temperature wasn't that high. I wonder who said 'cold people have warm hearts' first. I'm just guessing here, but I felt like it was a joke made by a human who still wanted to believe in the possibility they could become someone kind.

"Is here good? Around your belly button, I mean?"

"Further up, maybe. Near the pit of my stomach."

Tateha's baby-smooth skin was getting damp. I pressed my hand into her stomach, and a strange sweat made itself known as my finger grazed against the exposed edge of her blue underwear.

It was only natural for my body to get closer as I put some muscle into it. A rib slowly pressed into my fingers as I watched her eyebrows slowly wilt with embarrassment at close range.

Thump, thump, thump. The sensation of a shy heartbeat found its way into my hand. It was gentle. When I felt the ethereal pulsing, the small miracle of budding life came to mind. For some reason, my own heart tried to follow that beat. When Tateha made one small move, I adjusted my legs to follow her. It felt like we were communicating through our hearts.

"What's the matter, Ruri-chan?"

"Huh?"

"Aren't you going to push?"

I was about to answer that I was pushing when the shock hit me like a brick to the head.

Am I misunderstanding something?

I was thinking that my bond with Tateha would grow deeper with warm, personal interactions from here on out. That we'd get to know one another better through skin contact, consciousness of each other’s bodily rhythms. I had been sure we were about to be so tickled with embarrassment that we'd want to turn the lights off.

But that wasn't it. I am a sinner, and my entire life needed to be spent in atonement to the girl before of me. What happens from now on is just picking up from where that day left off. I had to make Tateha's face twist in pain.

"Ah…"

Her belly started to change shape when I put my weight onto the flat of my palm and pushed. I felt the form of her flesh, her organs and bones, clearly shift under my hand. Her body heaved every time I pressed harder. Drool leaked from her lips and her tongue stuck out between her teeth like it was reaching for the ceiling.

"Gh…i…AH-ck…...ha…"

Tateha wrapped her hands around mine. I saw myself reflected in the pupils of her tear-filled eyes and subconsciously eased off. Her lips, drool still dripping from them, rounded into a pout on her dazed face when I did.

"H-huh? Ruri-chan?" The voice that reached my ears was lost and anxious. "Are you stopping?"

That's right, I shouldn't try to become happy. I am a human that is beyond hope.

Don't get the wrong idea! You’re incapable of doing anything like forming a healthy relationship with Tateha.

I wondered if there were moments where homicidal maniacs also stewed in these feelings. Did they ever have moments where they were brought to the verge of tears by dreaming of something far beyond their reach, even though they're like that? I suppose outspoken people would talk about it if there were.

Don't kid yourself! They're still devils, even if they do.

"…ckh, hah, a…...kh, hah…!" Tateha's head, always turned like a small, curious bird, rolled backward like she had lost consciousness. The eyes that always looked up like a puppy's were rolled back in her head. The voice that jingled like a bell groaned like a beast starved of oxygen.

Doing it like this is great. Like this.

As I pressed on her stomach, I used my free hand to choke her. She was momentarily surprised, and I thought I heard her say my name. But I dammed that up too, along with her air. I tightened my grip on her neck and leaned on her stomach with my knee to pin her to the bed. Doing it this way seemed painful, since her legs kept thrashing.

My head was going blank. In spite of that, I was vividly aware; my thoughts ran clear. It was just that my ego felt was shaky, like my foundations were set in unstable terrain. Even though I was still me, it felt like an entirely different self had shown up and was giving orders to my body.

My face burned. My breaths were getting ragged. My dry eyes stung. I realized I was forgetting to blink. I made sure not to loosen my grip while my lips grew wet from licking them in anticipation.

—You don't saaay. Could you share some of the music you like? I want to listen, too.

"Ah!" Tateha started coughing and gasping.

I yanked my hand away when I came to my senses. My consciousness, surprisingly clear only a moment ago, was now as faint as a garden lamp. Dim thoughts circled around like I just woke up, and I was slow to understand the situation.

"Kuh, eeugh…!" Her throat-clearing coughs sounded like retching. She was drooling on the bed, hand at her throat.

"A–Are you okay?! Tateha!"

I knew I'd take it too far. The sensation of squeezing her neck and stomach with my hands was still weirdly vivid as I panicked and rushed to her side. Her shoulders heaved dramatically with every breath, and she still wasn't able to talk.

"I–I'm sorry…!"

This sort of thing wasn't just a game anymore. Just because Tateha asked me to do it doesn’t make it forgivable. I didn't make a deliberate decision to stab Tateha's eye with a pencil. So… even if I strangled her squeezing her neck like this, I'd make the same excuse. I didn't do it on purpose, she asked me for this. I felt my color drain when I imagined myself muttering that sort of thing in a prison.

Little by little, Tateha's breathing returned to normal. Finally, she seemed to be able to speak again and said, weakly, "Ruri-chan, today… you were amazing."

Her eyes were melting with passion, and her lips trembled with delight. She kept rubbing her belly and neck with a spellbound expression.

"You were merciless. I could tell you were going to kill me, you really were. My heart's still pounding. I'm so happy… I don't know what to do with myself."

The cooling pad peeled off her sweaty brow and fell, but her full attention had turned to start taking off her pants.

"Here next… um, ah, right, the lighter. It's in the living room, I'll go get it. That open wound from before is still there, so I want to cauterize it."

"Ah, w-wait!" In a panic, I told her to stop. She was acting like a kid running over to the intercom when a friend who had promised to come over and play showed up. "Let's stop, that's enough for today…"

"Why?"

"You have a cold, remember? Let's take it easy with… this sort of thing... since you're not in the best shape right now."

She stopped at the door. One of her socks was missing. I wondered if it came off earlier.

"Hmph." Her lifeless voice, sharp and solid as a rock, landed in the room with a thud. It was so low I felt the ground rumble. "Gotcha, Ruri-chan. It's probably not good since I'm still recovering, huh."

"Yeah. Your face is red, so it's better to go back to taking it slow today."

It seemed like she agreed, since she meekly nodded and looked at the clock on the wall.

"You're going home now, right?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, since you finished what you came over to do and all."

I couldn't see the left half of Tateha's expression from where I was. Maybe she wanted it that way. Her expression didn’t budge, with her prosthetic right eye staring motionlessly at the four corners of the wall. Then she turned to look in my direction, and I realized she had been watching me with her left eye.

"Yeah. I'm going home for today."

"Well, I'll come see you off."

I picked up my bag and walked out of the room. The hall was chilly, and unlike the soapy scent of Tateha's room, it didn't smell like a person lived here. I didn't see any furniture or decorations as I went down the stairs and to the entranceway.

"You said your mom almost never comes home, so how are you doing with meals?"

"There are a lot of side dishes and bento boxes from the convenience store in the fridge, so I eat from those. I guess Mom occasionally comes back late at night. There's also water, and she gives me so much pocket money every month that I don't need to worryyy."

Although I was relieved it wasn't a case of parental neglect or anything like that, it didn't diminish my sense of unease.

"You ever feel like wanting to eat something homemade?"

"Hm? Uh, I'm not sure I've ever thought about it."

"Convenience store bento boxes have a lot of added salt and preservatives, so it's good to eat something homemade every now and then."

"I guess sooo. But I'm sure Mom's gotta be busy."

I changed into my boots in the entranceway. Once I opened the door, I would be unwanted. Tateha accepted me as I am because she said she liked being in pain, and I could satisfy that desire. And yet, I…

"I- I'll come back and make something!" I've decided to build a relationship that goes beyond that. It'll be like forcing the kink out of a wire to straighten it. "If it's something simple like curry or whatever I can make it, you know? That's why—tomorrow… maybe I can come back! Or something…"

I lost my momentum, and like a ball thrown into the air, came falling awkwardly back to earth. She tilted her head, ear nearly to her shoulder, then laughed. It was like her signature move.

"You're really okay with thaaat? I'm so happy. Well, I'll look forward to tomorrow, toooo."

I could see something other than myself in the depths of her eyes. I knew that, but I couldn't help but avert my eyes from it.

"Well, later then."

"Yep. Ciao, Ruri-chan."

Tateha waved, and I waved back. I was strangling her neck with that hand only a moment ago.

Big raindrops landed on my umbrella as I headed home. In one of the puddles collecting on the road, there was a crushed frog. I wondered where the hell I was headed.