28 – Gravestone

I don't believe in graves, and it's probably because the clearly meaningless act of visiting them involves a mysterious rule that you have to wear black. It would be fine if there was a scientific basis for that, such as "dead people have an easier time seeing black", but since the existence of ghosts and the souls of dead people hasn't been established, there's no real reason to dress up in black to meet them. After all, how dead people get buried depends on the country, and at that point, what constitutes an authentic grave is questionable.

Same goes for clasping your hand, making offerings, and the superstition that dead people return for Obon. Believing in all of those is common sense, and when you don't, others might perceive it as cynicism. So, even though I was aware this ceremony was pointless, I clasped my hands together. I had no idea what the deceased saw in making you do that. After I died, would I have to look for people wearing black clothes each and every time someone clasped their hands and summoned me? Making a grave seems like a total bother when you think about it.

"Asami-san, the bus will be here soon."

"Alright."

I looked up at the sky, and unfortunately it was raining. Water dripped on the gravestone and soaked into the ground.

"I can't believe you didn't bring an umbrella even though there was a 90% chance of rain in the forecast, Asami-san. You're not the kind of person who believes in miracles, are you?"

The rain stopped just over my head. Kururu-chan handed me a plastic umbrella and I wiped my dirty hands on my sleeves.

"Woah, thanks Kururu-chan. You didn't bring an umbrella just for me, did yaaa?"

Since the umbrella was transparent, I could see her pretty well. She stood in the rain, pridefully brushing her hair back and sticking her nose up.

"I forgot that I left it at school."

"Ahaha, so you forgot it, huuuh?"

"I did, but since always I forget them, I've got seven on hand. Next time a rainy day catches you off guard, just come to me."

Did that mean she forgot her umbrella at school seven times and brought a new one from home each time? Kururu's habits shook me to the core. When I first met her, she seemed mature and composed, which gave me the impression she was a smart person. But. Apparently she spent most of her summer vacation taking supplementary lessons, and when I asked her what she got in English, she proudly replied, "seven points!" When she told me her grades had only been improving since middle school, I couldn't help but let out a dry laugh.

"Is that an offering?"

"Yeah. It'll be appreciated. Probably."

I saw a bus approaching as we spoke. I brushed the gravestone and then got on the bus with her.

"I hate rainy days. My hair gets all curly." Kururu-chan pinched her bangs as she stared resentfully at the raindrops beating against the window.

The September rain was washing away the last remnants of summer and paving the way for autumn. Speaking of autumn, it was the season of maples, roasted sweet potatoes, and… the cultural festival? That was all that came to mind. It had been a while since I'd been so chilly huddled up under a blanket. I kept an eye on the red light of the stop button.

"Asami-chan." It seemed she'd gotten tired of looking at the scenery out the window and turned to me, chin in her palm. "It's not your fault."

How many times had I heard that cliché already? But if not my fault, then whose? The jury was still out. Since it hadn't been an accident or natural disaster, that meant someone must've had intent and purpose. Or maybe they made a mistake and it went unnoticed until it caused a tragedy.

Kururu-chan pushed the stop button after I forgot the name of the bus stop we were looking for. I said thanks, and she folded her arms and replied, "No problem." Her nose seemed to stick out like a tengu's. I wondered why she was so easy to read despite her facial expressions not changing at all. What an odd person. She was still like that as I followed her off the bus.

"Uh, are we really there?"

We were surrounded by rice fields. I could barely see the school off in the distance.

"Oops… We still had another stop to go, didn't we? Well, guess we'll have to walk. You okay with that? Your leg… you still have a limp, right?"

"No, I'm good to walk, don't worryyy."

She fussed a little bit and went to look at the timetable at the bus stop, then shrugged when she realized the next bus wasn't for 40 minutes. In the end, walking took us 20 minutes. Kururu-chan was a fast walker, and her brisk pace steadily opened the distance between me and her. I almost had to run to keep up with her. When I saw her on my left, it felt oddly refreshing.

Ah, right. It was the first time someone had been on my left side in a while. There had always been a person walking on my right side to make up for my blinded right eye.

Finally, the facility we were going to was in sight. The building was smothered in white, from its entrance to its interior design. The receptionist guided us to the elevator, and I rode it with Kururu-chan. The smell of ammonia filled the closed space.

We were taken to a room, and when we opened the door, that person was sitting in the bed by the window.

"Woah, Tateha? And Kururu?!"

We came in while Ruri-chan was changing her socks. She looked half-happy, half-surprised.

…Was I glad she was alive because I still hadn't exiled my sense of ethics? Life should be cherished, not thrown away. Happy endings are more desirable than bad endings. I desired one too, but that's because it's natural for a person to think that way. That's why I was happy when I found out Ruri-chan was alive. It definitely had to be why I breathed a sigh of relief.

But there was so much on my chest I couldn't get the words out. The moment I saw the excitement on Ruri-chan's face, I felt heartburn.

"I kept trying to get in touch with you, but you never answered. The only other option was to come visit in person, right? It's one thing if you couldn’t see my messages, but you were leaving me on read."

"Ah, no, I've just been really busy, Kururu. I thought you might not like it if you had to talk to the police, either."

"So, while you fussed over what to say, you forgot to reply?"

"I kept putting it off because I was thinking about what to say. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not blaming you. I know you had your hands full."

Ruri-chan got treatment and narrowly escaped death the night she was stabbed by that random attacker. From the sounds of it, she only needed light surgery because the knife didn't reach any of her vital organs.

The attacker was subdued by police soon after, and they discovered the same suspect was responsible for the stabbings that happened earlier that day. The police began an inquiry immediately after Ruri-chan was hospitalized. Once they were done, people from the newspaper and local TV stations came to get interviews. There wasn't a good time for me to come visit.

I learned all of that was happening from her texts.

I remember how my heart leapt when I got that first message of <<I lived.>> I still hadn't been able to reply to it. It would have been treating her like a stranger to just say that I was happy. Plus, I wasn’t happy she protected me. The truth was, she had gotten in my way. I hadn’t been able to reply to her, because when I tried to wrap my head around those feelings, I just stared at the LCD screen of my phone and got a headache.

"I didn't expect you to show up together."

"I asked Kururu to come. I didn't know where the hospital was or how to get here, so I asked her for directions aaand… thanks to her we eventually made it hereee."

Ruri-chan's eyes went wide. She was staring at my lips.

"No problemo. I just wanted to see you already. I'm glad you're safe, really." Kururu-chan sounded annoyed, but I could tell from her expression that she'd been worried. I'm pretty sure she was a friend who had been worried from the bottom of her heart.

That was how I should've reacted once I was able to check in on Ruri-chan. I hadn't been able to.

Ruri-chan was alive.

A magma-like simmering started when I'd found that out. It was unstable, and there was a danger it would come gushing out if I couldn't keep it down.

"I'm gonna go buy drinks from the vending machine. You two want anything?"

"Huh, you don't need to do thaaat."

"It's my apology for making you walk. Get whatever you want."

"She made you walk?!"

"She mistakenly got us off the bus a stop early."

"Woah, Kururu's unreliable side made an appearance. Watch out, Tateha, she looks smart but she's actually an idiot. Oh, and I'll take a cola."

"Cola, eh? How about you, Asami-san?"

"Uhhh, let's see… I'll have oolong tea."

"Got it. Beaujolais noveau, eh?"

Even if she'd been able to buy that, I'd still be at a loss to drink it. Was that something they even sold in the first place? She darted out faster than I could reply. Ruri-chan shrugged and smiled; she seemed used to this.

"So… Tateha…"

"What." My tone of voice absentmindedly dropped onto the bed.

"Thank you for coming. Honestly, I was a little lonely."

"I see."

"How did it go with your mom… after that?"

I shook my head. "That man I don't know comes over every day. So I'm not home at night."

It had been a week since that man started coming over. He generally came back with mom in the evenings. That strong-smelling perfume was a constant. His cheerfully vulgar voice and her weird imitation of a cheerful voice always filled the house. It was like some level of hell had manifested in my house, with the dead writhing and cackling.

I didn't go back to that station at night anymore. I decided to sleep close to the shrine until it was time to go back home instead. I remembered what Ruri-chan said about the gods there protecting me if there was an emergency.

It's not like I didn't believe in gods or ghosts. I was skeptical because there was no scientific proof of them, sure, but I really wanted to believe. I wanted them to exist. That had been why I'd made a grave for the swallowtail in the trees lining a path behind the school.

The swallowtail that went through an incomplete emergence didn't have any dreams or regrets. Maybe its trachea and heart weren't capable of experiencing them. To the end, it didn’t have the ability to sip nectar. Even if the swallowtail couldn't live the way it was supposed to, it seemed to be happy when it emerged from the chrysalis in my room and flew around. It was brimming with hope.

It couldn't help not being able to sip nectar. But it was also mean to say that eating leaves was weird. After all, the swallowtail had been born into the world like that. And while living according to the form it was molded to might seem mechanistic, because its life was like that—because its existence was like that—I also thought it was beautiful.

I wondered what the dead swallowtail thought about the citrus leaf left as an offering. Now that its body had decayed, would it want to ingest nectar instead of leaves? Or, even with a proboscis, would it still have the instinct for leaves?

"Hey, Tateha. I mentioned it before but come stay at my house. My parents will definitely let you stay since it's dangerous to be going out late at night."

"You're okay with it?"

"As long as you are…"

I didn't have anywhere else to go. Even if a god was protecting me, I wondered if I was wearing on its good manners. Besides, I felt like if I relied on formless things like gods or ghosts all the time from now on, my own legs would take on a ghost-like haze.

"I… want to stay at your house."

I hadn't committed firmly enough to the decision to call it an active choice.

That night, though. I felt an intense pain in my heart when I saw Ruri-chan's tears. It was worse than any pain I'd ever experienced before, not even a shred of pleasure. That intense pain was a mystery, and I wanted to know what it really was. Only Ruri-chan held the answer.

"If you're okay with it."

"Ah, yeah."

"I want to stay tonight."

"Huh? No… I'm still in the hospital."

"When will you be discharged?"

"Uhh… the day after tomorrow."

"Then I want to stay over the day after tomorrow."

I got closer to Ruri-chan, who was sitting on the bed, as if I was rolling down a slope. Surprised, she pushed me back.

"G-Got it."

"I hope you do."

"…Okay." The white hospital room got a splash of Ruri-chan Red.

Kururu-chan came back from the vending machine clutching a fizzy lemonade and roasted tea. The drinks were both slightly off, and Ruri-chan slipped off the bed. There was a blank look on her face when I asked where her drink was. She said, "I forgot" and went back to the vending machines. She should've given us our drinks if she was going back.

Ruri-chan was right, she was as awkward as slapping valuable decorations on a piece of second-hand furniture. I heard a giggle from beside me as we watched Kururu-chan disappear into the hallway.

"Hilarious, isn't she?"

"Yeah."

Maybe Ruri-chan and I were thinking along the same lines.

"Take your time thinking about your mom." She gently placed a hand on my head. The smell of ammonia in the hospital room seemed to melt away in her soft warmth.

"Ruri-chan…"

"Hm?"

"Hug me… like before."

There certainly was nothing wrong with going through an incomplete emergence or being born in a bathroom. But, in this hospital, in this room filled with the smell of ammonia…

If only my birth had been blessed with this warm embrace, surrounded by people crying tears of joy. If I'd gotten affection when I was dropped into this world... well, no use thinking about that now.

She gently drew my head to her chest and slowly pet the back of my head.

"Do you like this?"

"I don't know if I... like it or not."

"Really?"

"It's warm, though."

My eyes softened as her body temperature took me back to when I was a larva and desperately ate leaves in preparation for the future. Maybe I'd totally misunderstood the first and last treasure my mom would ever give me, and I was just longing for a non-existent past. I didn't have the means to be sure of it now.

But when Ruri-chan gave me tight hugs like that, I was sure I'd be able to believe that memory, and all the others, happened just as I remembered them.

This vivid, bitter warmth was far from the pain of a whole-body burn. But it hurt when she pulled away, as if she were stuck to burnt and swollen skin.