29 - Verdict

I wonder how I didn't die back then. Thinking back on it, my suicidal ideation was a mix of expecting the pain I'd feel from passing out and the expectation of the reward that came with it.

I wonder what the scene would have looked like if Ruri-chan hadn't protected me and it had been me getting stabbed over and over. I’d reach out for help and get stabbed in the hand, and blood would pour out of my mouth when I screamed. Enough blood to drown me. It would definitely come pouring out so forcefully that it’d be like someone tipped over a plastic tub. In the end, the pain I felt from being kept away from the experiences at death's door was because of Ruri-chan.

I was dwelling on that as I split open the gap between my nails and finger with a box cutter. A cold sweat broke out as the blood worked its way around the nail and a sharp pain throbbed with every beat of my heart. I must've reached a bone since the blade wouldn't go any deeper, so I pulled it out. I held my bloodied and painful hand up to the light.

—I did... awful stuff... I'm... sorry... okay...?

It hadn’t been just tears spilling from Ruri-chan’s eyes, but the guilt and regrets she’d probably been harboring for a long time. My chest felt tight just remembering the face she made back then. The pain was in a league of its own. It brought me to my knees. Not even a box cutter used to rip out nails or stab someone hurt that much. I had no idea how her face could cause that.

I didn't want to hear 'sorry' from her. It was hard hearing a misdirected apology while she was in agony the whole time. I wanted her to have the calm smile she always seemed to wear. She was always at the center of attention, and yet, she had a meek attitude when she looked at me. She did everything she could to atone, taking a positive attitude and making sure to give me consideration. But the real Ruri-chan was the one who sank a blade into someone and shittalked them.

The memories that had taken root were the flashes of pain from my thigh and ear, and the warm embrace of her gentle hands.

I got out of the bath and quickly dressed. I couldn't get her out of my head while I dried my hair, either. My chest hurt every time I thought about her. It was even enough to make me forget that I'd been pressing a blade in between my nail and finger.

I had to see her. I left the house in a rush and headed to the station. Even the sound of the trains running was frustrating. I urged the train faster, my eyes following the scenery as it swept across.

Ruri-chan's house was about a ten-minute walk from the station. I double-checked the map I'd been sent by text and the nameplate at the entrance. I hadn't mistakenly gone to the wrong place. Her house was a very typical single-family home in a subdivision. Small apples grew in the garden while tulips and lavender swayed in the evening breeze.

Since it was night, the smell of shampoo drifted from the neighboring homes. The pain in my chest felt stronger when I heard the cheerful voices of a father and his children.

Ruri-chan immediately appeared at the door when I rang the intercom. I'd visited her the day before yesterday. Back then, she'd told me it was fine to come over today. So I came, but she didn't even try to hide the surprise in her eyes.

"Ahh, right. I told you today, didn't I?"

"Yep. Is it okay if I stay?"

"Uhh, hold on a sec."

The door closed. I supposed it made the same sound everywhere. It was as if the sound closed me out of an entire space, and I didn't like it. It made my stomach twist and squeeze.

I could hear her voice inside the house; she sounded flustered somehow. Then I heard footsteps in the hallway running towards me. Before long, a shadow appeared behind the frosted glass of the door, then another. They looked like an approaching avalanche.

"Sorry to make you wait! That took longer than I thought."

Her appearance was different from a moment ago. The navy blue jersey she'd been wearing a moment ago had been swapped with a cream-colored cardigan. I kinda thought her shorts were on backwards, but I decided not to point it out. After all, I was making eye contact with someone else I recognized.

"Asami-san... It's been a while." Ruri-chan's mom looked at me sadly. She smiled as if trying to smooth something over. It made me realize, wow, they really were mother and daughter. It was the exact same expression Ruri-chan had when I met her again back in the spring.

Her dad stood behind her, too. He silently bowed.

It felt uncomfortable when adults called me Asami-san and bowed. It was like wearing a shirt around even though it was buttoned up wrong. Although I knew my throat felt tight, I returned the bow and said "Good evening".

"Umm, I'm sorry for coming so suddenlyyy. Was that not okay?"

"No, it's okay. Ruri told us about your situation. Have you had dinner already?"

"I ate earlier this evening."

"I see. Well, are you still hungry?"

It smelled amazing. Even though it was made with human hands, it was a natural smell. It was nothing like burnt plastic or strong perfume. Ah, right. This was the smell of cooking. When I was little, I occasionally smelled it in my house, too. The mild smell drifted from the kitchen along with the heat.

"Well, I ate around four, so honestly, I'm a little hungry."

When I said that, the nervous smile Ruri-chan's mom made bloomed like a flower. "I thought so. Well, you're certainly welcome to dinner."

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I almost doubted she was the same person who had been apologizing to me and my mom. Back then, she'd looked horribly exhausted, like she was facing the apocalypse.

"Mom's cabbage rolls are a national treasure! Here, Tateha, come in, come in!"

"Hey, don't be so pushy, Ruri. Sorry Asami-san. Hey Papa, don't just stand around, move, move!"

Ruri-chan's dad stood in front of the shoeboxes and stumbled backwards when I came through the door. This man was the person who abused Ruri-chan...

There was kindness in the droopy eyes behind his glasses. He didn't look like the kind of person who would do something like that. Also, was that where Ruri-chan got her height? Her dad was around 180 cm tall. His gentle face went pale as he bowed.

"Ah, um, are you okay...?"

"Huh?"

"Ruri... you’re with Ruri? She did that awful thing... that thing with your eye...?"

His lips trembled like a newborn fawn. I could barely make out what he said with his pitifully quiet voice. "Papa," Ruri-chan's mom suddenly warned. Her dad's shoulders jolted with a squeak.

Ruri-chan and her parents really had the same expression. They were all owning up to the same crime and waited wide-eyed for my response. With expressions like that, they looked like defendants waiting to hear their judgement. I supposed this is what it felt like to be a judge handing down the verdict.

"It's okay, It's all in the past. I've already made up with Ruri-chaaan."

On the verge of tears, her dad said, "Thank you."

Her mom unrolled her balled-up apron and went back to the kitchen. Ruri-chan grabbed my hand tight without saying a word.

"Okay Papa, set the table! Ruri, get the teapot! Oh, and a chair!"

"'Okay..."

"'Kaaay!"

The three kept talking as they headed down the hallway to the living room. They all expressed themselves so differently.

"Ah, Tateha." Ruri-chan put her face in my hair. "That smells nice. Did you take a bath?"

"Yeah, before I left."

"Gotcha. Moooom, Tateha already bathed!"

When I reached the living room, the scene was dominated by orange lighting. Her mom cheerfully went back to the kitchen with the frying pan while her dad grumbled and took the tableware out of a cabinet to arrange on the table. I sat down in a chair Ruri-chan brought out for me.

Food in a variety of colors was laid out in front of me, and it all looked delicious. Well, even convenience store food looks delicious. If you heated it right, it would even steam like this.

"Go ahead, eat, eat!"

This meal, though, was more mildly flavored than any bento box or side dish I'd had before. It was so tender it melted on my tongue. Every time a bite fell into my stomach, I could feel its warmth spread through my body.

The cabbage rolls had inconsistent shapes. Some were big, others were small. I thought about Ruri-chan's mom making the cabbage rolls as I picked one up with chopsticks. She kneaded the ground meat in her hand and made a ball while she was humming. She seemed to be having a good time. Was cooking that fun?

My sinuses felt full of snot every time I took a bite.

"Ruri! Don't sneak extras because we have guests. Everyone gets five rolls. Ah, Asami-san, you can have as many as you want."

"Uhh, this tableware..."

"Isn't this for toast? Well, A for effort, Papa."

That far-away scene from a movie felt viscerally close. It was exactly like a moment taken from the big screen. The focus was off, and the light looked like a bad photograph with too much contrast.

"How is it? Do you like it, Tateha?"

One of the main characters spoke to me unexpectedly. It made me finally realize I lived in this world too.

A subtle sweetness lingered in my mouth, and afterwards, the warmth soaked in.

"...It's delicious."

I had longed for something like this sometime in the past, but that longing had scattered away like a turn of the kaleidoscope. I couldn't go back to it.

Still, I knew one thing.

...This home was really warm.