30 – Coexistence

I was led to Ruri-chan's room after I was treated to dinner. The western-style room was decorated in monochrome. Black bed, black curtains. White furniture, white carpet. Black and white photos. The only thing out of place was the blue mat on her studying desk.

An almond-like smell tickled my nose the moment I entered, and I immediately pegged it as the scent I occasionally noticed on Ruri-chan's neck. It almost knocked me off my feet; it was as if she’d been wrapped around me. She wasn't usually close enough to bury my face in her, even if I wanted to.

I watched the hair on the back of her head sway as she tied the curtains up. Suddenly, our eyes met. It gave me a strange feeling, being in an unfamiliar room with a familiar person. Getting flustered had degraded my sense of judgement.

She grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom, since the bath had finished warming. I ran after her.

"I wanna take a bath too."

Her foot missed the stairs, and just like that, she almost fell. She could only gawk at me, off-balance.

"Ah, you do? How about you go first, then? I tend to take a while."

"It's okay if we get in together.”

Her bewildered expression darkened. Colors that can't be stained by anything are bold, but they only go one way. I understood why Ruri-chan had decorated her room in monochrome.

"M-mom, Tateha says she's coming in with me..."

The indecision in her voice made me cock my head.

While we undressed in the bathroom, I asked her a question.

"Is it weird to get in the bath together?"

"Weird...? I don't think so." She pulled her arms back in through the sleeves, flailing like a kid who still couldn't undress herself.

Her eyes were fixed on my thighs. They bore the many scars of the past. Those scars were entire reason I was still alive and proof that I felt alive.

"You gave these to me."

She turned away and pulled the shirt over her head when I started tracing my finger over them. Her appearance once she lifted her shirt reminded me of a bug in mid-molt. I recognized the bra with the ribbon at her breast. Her hair was frayed from static electricity, and it felt like I was seeing her wake up in early dawn light. I wondered if I'd also be able to smile and welcome the morning after spending the night under the same roof as her.

The stabbing left a scar on her stomach, bright red with stitch marks. It was my fault it was there. My empty right eye socket and the gash in Ruri-chan's stomach—they had a deeper meaning, but what the heck was it?

The bathtub wasn't small, per se, but there wasn't anywhere for us to put our legs when we got in together. Ruri-chan's legs were on my shoulders, and mine are kicking up against her jaw. The tub wouldn’t let us sink up to our shoulders, since we were already tangled like a headphone cord, but it was enough to warm us up.

We went back to her room to finish drying our hair. She put on her pajamas and handed me her face cream. It used the same kind of pump bottle my moisturizer came in, so I did my usual three pumps and started rubbing it into my face.

Ruri-chan did the same thing across the table.

"It's so nice that you've got fair skin. It's so clear too. I kinda skip out on doing skincare, so it's really easy for me to get breakouts if I'm not careful."

"Skincare's more of a habit for me. I put it on when I get out of the bath and do some thinking while it's soaking in."

Staring at empty walls while I moisturized my face gave me some peace of mind. Not that I could do that at the moment, though. I couldn't think because Ruri-chan was right in front of me. If she talked to me, I couldn't not talk to her.

"I'll have to copy you. Okay, let's go one more minute." Ruri-chan started counting down in earnest while she covered her face with both hands. Her head rocked back and forth like a parrot. I don't know whether it's because she had large hands or a small face, but the moisturizer reflected the lighting through big gaps between her fingers.

Ah, so this must be what spending time with someone is like. Eating a meal, taking baths, even moisturizing are enough to start conversations. It was like I was a lighthouse beam—I couldn't stop looking around me. I wonder if the friction of looking around generated heat.

Ruri-chan dropped her hands once she finished her countdown, and I gently touched her face. It was sticky. Was her face flushed from soaking up heat in the bath, too?

"H-Hey, Tateha." Accepting my touch, Ruri-chan spoke quietly. "Do you still think you can't change?"

"I do... I mean, it's as deeply rooted as a scar." I pointed at my right eye. Her eyes were sucked into my windhole, unable to see ahead as if her sight was blocked by an unmoving raincloud. "I definitely can't run away from pain. I think it's a form of dependence. I'll be honest, I usually hurt myself before I even realize that's what I'm doing. Like today—before I came over, I was sticking a box cutter in between my nails without thinking about it."

She looked at my fingertips and made a face like she'd just eaten something sour.

"I can't stop hurting myself, because that's what keeps me alive. I need it. I have to keep doing it because it keeps me balanced. Every time something inside my body hurts, I feel the urge to do it."

Maybe pain was something I could cut out of my life. But if I tried, it would be harder for me to keep living. It might be that urges are the thing that push us to face the day ahead. If I got rid of those urges, or let them get rusty, I'd never hope to live for tomorrow again. I'd simply lay in the morning sun and go up in flames.

"But, I think I can supplement it."

"Supplement?"

"Yeah. There's this parasite in my brain, a bug... and it depends on something other than pain."

It was definitely something I had to figure out a coexistence with, because if I didn't, I would lose my balance, and the abyss would swallow up even the things that were important to me. I had to accommodate it so I wouldn't go extinct.

"The bugs inside me got riled up when you got stabbed. They're a different kind of parasite from the ones that made me want pain. Even now, those little guys are squirming around in my brain."

Ruri-chan listened to me carefully. Actually listening. Now I knew what it felt like to get through to someone. I felt seen.

Mom shooed me away, no matter what I said or how I tried to get close to her. Resigning myself to that stained my heart black. Even the things I wanted to tell her gradually faded away and I couldn't bring myself to talk about them anymore.

But Ruri-chan wasn't like that. I was able to talk to her about everything, even the things I didn't want to tell her.

"If we assume that something can replace the pain, it's..."

"Hm?"

What I continued to receive from Mom was kindness. But her benevolence was to put me in long-term cold storage so my life wouldn't end. So that I couldn't die. There was no doubt that I should be grateful for that, for sure, but it wasn't quite the same thing as when she gave me the butterfly hairpin that day we went to the zoo together.

The closest thing to the hairpin's brilliant blue was Ruri-chan. As long as she was here, I might rediscover the feeling Mom gave me that day. I wasn't quite sure what I was hoping for, but it was along the lines of the warmth from collecting injuries.

"It's you, Ruri-chan." She was what the parasites wriggling around inside my brain wanted. I craved the warm feelings I got from Ruri-chan because the parasites thrived on it.

"I want to rely on you." If I could connect all those disconnected cords to Ruri-chan, it would force that constant flow of irreplaceable electrical current through my nerves. "Can I?"

I heard a small gasp from her. Her inner turmoil took shape through the movements of her throat and the sweat gathering along her collarbone.

Yes, hesitate about it. Worry about it. It only proved finding a substitute that worked took more than simply connecting with one another.

I put my hand on her shoulder and pressed her for an answer. We were eye-to-eye. Her pupils wavered like waves reflecting the moon.

"...You can." She nodded her agreement, and I plunged head-first into the waters.