31 – Lapis Lazuli

I drowned myself in Ruri-chan's body, as warm as a sand bar in the sun. I felt her shape as I sank into the feeling. I traced her outline with my fingertips, which left a disappearing line like a faint contrail.

I didn't really have a good handle on hugging, so I didn't know what to do with my hands. Then, Ruri-chan tugged on my wrist. When our eyes met at point-blank range, it seemed to take my breath away. I couldn't even gasp. It was like I had just been cut out of a photo. I seemed to have surprised her when I pushed her down, but she was steadily regaining her composure.

She pulled my head to her breast and whispered on my ear, "I'll give you what you need."

There's a difference between wanting what you need and losing your ability to fight your urges. She was certainly someone I could do without, because even if she disappeared, I'd be able to survive. This was something entirely different from eating or sleeping.

Still, I wanted her. That's addiction.

"If I want to jump out of a window, will you stop me?"

"Absolutely. I'll even catch you if I have to."

"And if I'm about to get hit by a car?"

"I'll drop everything to save you."

"What will you do if I tell you I want to be stabbed to death?"

"I'll hug you until you can't even think about it."

Her palms pulled me in by the small of my back and the back of my head. My stomach lay on hers. Heartbeats felt like footfalls. Were mine echoing inside me, or were they Ruri-chan's? Maybe it was both.

"Then, if I'm about to get stabbed… will you protect me this time?"

"That's obvious, isn't it? Absolutely."

"But you could die!"

"Dying's okay if I'm dying for you."

―I'd be happy if you were the one who killed me. My past words ricocheted and passed through my heart. The hot spray of blood that came gushing out followed my fingertips and splashed on Ruri-chan.

I pointed to my right eye. "Is this why you're fussing over me so much?"

There's no escaping what she did. There's no escaping what she did. Her past crimes, and the terrible personality she was hiding that led to them would never not be there. Still, I couldn't help but think she was devoted to me out of a sense of guilt. She shook her head, though. She shook her head, though.

"It was like that in the beginning. I wanted to do whatever I could for you to atone. But it's different now."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Now I want to do what I can for you… because it's for you."

"I don't get it. You say you're doing this for me, but aren't you just atoning for your crime?"

"There's a difference!"

Now that we were hugging, we couldn't see each other’s faces. I had to guess what face she was making from the voice in my ear and her breathing.

"I want to help you because it's you."

"That's not really answering my question."

"I don't feel that way about other people. Standing in front of a knife-wielding maniac is scary! There's no way I'd be able to put myself between them and someone else, unless it's to protect you."

That might be, but I wanted to look at her face, so I put some space between us. Since hugs are primarily a means of sharing body heat, it's hard to see and interpret the other person's feelings.

"Um, Tateha… could you hear me out for a little bit?"

"Sure.”

"We met in the same class of first grade. You sat in the very front row, and I was a seat back and across from you. I didn't pay much attention to you at first, and we never talked much. But one day, you started wearing that hairpin."

She seemed to be talking about the hairpin Mom bought for me.

"The butterfly was a ruritateha, wasn't it?"

"A ruritateha?"

"That's one of the common names for the blue admiral. It's a butterfly with a gem-like lapis lazuli color. The color sounds like my name, so I liked anything that had that color in it ever since I was a kid. I always wanted to be just as dazzling as lapis lazuli’s deep purplish azure. But... I have a terrible personality... so I was vaguely aware I would never sparkle like a gem, or stars, or beautiful flowers." She wore a joking smile. "So, it surprised me when you came in with a blue admiral hairpin back then. It was my favorite butterfly, and you were wearing a hairpin of one? That's gotta be fate, doesn't it?"

Her eyes sparkled like a kid telling you about their dreams.

"My eyes started following you around after that. I learned enough to know you were different from me. I thought you were cute—really girlish and genuine. It made me want to be friends with you. But I was shy, and I had a hard time starting conversations... and that's when you talked to me. You praised my test scores, and even though it was a silly conversation, it felt like a miracle to me... I still remember it now. I chose my words extremely carefully so you wouldn't hate me."

Did that really happen? I dug through my memories but came up empty.

"I was happy from the bottom of my heart. The 'Ruri' in my name was the same kanji as the 'ruri' in the name of that butterfly on your hairpin! I thought that kind of thing was just a cliché, and my heart was pounding while I waited for the moment to tell you that… um, like I said a moment ago, I don't have the greatest personality, and what I'm about to say is cringy, so forgive me..."

Her facial expression fell. Her eyes ran away; first crawling around the floor, then creeping up to the ceiling. When all was said and done, they dropped onto me. I gave those damp eyes a nod.

"I was… jealous."

"Jealous?"

"You talked to all of the girls, right? Since you were really friendly… how should I put this… it seemed like you really enjoyed talking to them. But I definitely enjoyed talking to you more. Because I was Ruri, and you were Tateha, right? Meeting one another felt like a god was playing a prank on us, you know? …So I got jealous and lost my temper when I saw you talking to other girls… that was what lead to me bullying you."

"So that's how it was."

"I'm sorry, I really am. But it's not like I hated you. I didn't do it out of hatred, or because you stood out in a bad way. I did it because I was a miserable, wretched person. You didn't do anything wrong. If you ever blame yourself for it, I want you to stop. You're wrong. No matter what happened, the bully is the one in the wrong. It's never the bullied person's fault!"

I wondered whether she wanted to run away at that moment. Her eyes bounced like a levitating magnet.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

"I never blamed myself. I never blamed you, either."

"Well, it's okay to blame me."

"About that… I liked it when you hurt me."

Still, I wondered what would have happened to Ruri-chan if it hadn't been me, if I weren't there, if she'd pierced her way through an imago that had undergone a normal emergence. Would it be out for revenge?

She sat up. I sat up too, like I'd been rocked by a wave she started. We faced one another sitting on our knees. The hand of the clock on the wall kept moving, as if to fill our time. I wondered how long it would take. There was a lot I hadn't been able to tell Ruri-chan, either.

Like that she hadn't bullied me. It made me happy. It made me feel alive.

"Um, Tateha…!"

I guess we’re the same. There were also things I hadn't been able to say back then.

I hadn’t been bullied. We’d hidden our true nature and acted out something between just the two of us. It just so happened that the signs of our terrible playacting happened to fall under the human definition of bullying. So, if others witnessed it, they couldn’t help but see the cycle of subjugation that was happening in the bathroom that way.

I never intended to reject the things called common sense, rules, or regulations, but I didn't keep my life inside the lines the world had drawn as well as I could have. That's why it had to be just the two of us. When there was no one but Ruri-chan and I, we adopted our own rules.

"I never had the chance to tell you."

"Yeah."

"But now, I feel like I can."

If it wasn't bullying, then there was no need to keep bringing up the past. And so, Ruri's 'crime' wasn't a wall between us, either.

Honestly, the nerve. Just who does she think she is? Has she forgotten what she did? Gossip like that might be meant to cast stones at her, but it was nothing more than blowing smoke.

"Tateha."

"What's up?"

The truth of it was, we should have talked about things back then.

Ruri-chan always threw bits of eraser at the back of my head in class. Whenever I turned around, her and her lackeys clutched their stomachs and howled like demons. That same Ruri-chan, now frail and fleeting, held out a hand to me with a terrified expression.

I wonder if this is the kind of person she was before she transformed. A girl who admired blue admiral butterflies, who followed its lapis color on my head from the corner of the classroom. The stress or anxiety in her eyes sucked in the light, but they had a blue glimmer.

"Please... be my friend…" The hand she held out to me trembled theatrically.

"Fine." You could mistake her surprisingly cold hand for a corpse's. "Or should I say, I think we already are."

Ruri-chan looked up. Our friendship might be a little twisted. We were an addict and her dealer. It might not be as charming as holding hands and frolicking in the evening sun, but our instincts bound us to one another like welded steel. We didn't have a relationship with an obvious form, but it was too absurd to be called one that was on an equal footing.

"Are you okay, Tateha?"

"Yeah. I want you, Ruri-chan."

The parasite that made a nest inside me was telling me to hand her over, now. The substitute nourishment for pain was right there. But it's different from pain. It's not instant.

I wanted to be with Ruri-chan. To talk to her. To look in her eyes. To smell her fragrance. To think about her. To touch her. To be hugged by her. A dose every now and then might be an even more powerful medication than pain.

"I will absolutely protect you, okay?" Ruri-chan wiped a huge teardrop on her sleeve. Was she even trying to hide it? "I'll fill your heart so full there won't be any room for pain."

"Apologies in advance if you don't succeed."

How long did it take to reanimate a corpse? Even my vital organs had been devoured. I didn't know how long I could control myself, and I might stagger through an open window like a praying mantis parasitized by a horsehair worm.

That's what addiction is. It's not addiction if you can control it. That's desire. If you take in too much nourishment without realizing it, your judgement dulls and the worms chew through your sense of values.

"It's going to be okay! It's okay." She caressed my cheek like she did the other day. "Because we're a ruritateha."

I guess this butterfly existed, but I'd never seen it before. Suddenly, my eye was taken with a blue at the edge of my field of view. A blue mat on the study table broke the room's monochrome. She always opened her notebooks over there, so I wondered if that was the goal she had in mind.

A dazzling lapis color.

---

As I got ready to go home the next morning, I bumped into Ruri-chan's mom. When I greeted her, she handed me a box stuffed with yesterday's leftover cabbage rolls and some yakisoba for lunch.

Since it was a Saturday, Ruri-chan's dad stayed at home. He appeared from the living room.

Ruri-chan had already gone outside and was calling me. When I bowed and dashed out, Ruri-chan's mom called to stop me.

"You hate us, don't you?"

The look in her eyes was the same as Ruri-chan's. Her dad also watched with a vacant expression. This family had kind, gentle people. But no matter what I did, there was a wall somewhere. A sense of obligation left its mark everywhere.

"Asami-san, I'm sorry… I really am."

I wondered if Ruri-chan was aware of that. For this family, for these parents, time stopped the day she stabbed me in the eye with a mechanical pencil. It wasn't particularly a question of forgiveness. There wasn't anything to forgive from back then, but the people around us didn't see it that way.

"Ruri-chan… might have done something like that, but she really is a good girl."

Her mom showed up at my house every evening and bowed. "I’m sorry… I'm so, so sorry." I had my doubts as I watched and wondered why she apologized to Mom like that, never leaving until Mom told her, "Enough." But now I fully understood. She hadn't been apologizing to me. She’d been frantically trying to protect her daughter.

"Ruri-chan is my close friend now." The words didn't mean anything to me, but they did to her mom. To her family. "So please don't worry anymore."

That should do it, I thought.

Her mom looked relieved and returned my smile. She looked exactly like Ruri-chan did when she was about to cry.

"Ruri told me about your family situation, Asami-san. You can come to us any time there's trouble, okay?"

"But I'd be imposing on you."

"You're not imposing on me, Papa, or Ruri at all. We're all on your side." I braced for another hug. "You can come here the moment anything happens or if you ever feel like it's gotten too hard to stay at your home."

These people will definitely be saved by saving me, I thought.

"…I understand. You have my thanks for next time, then."

I wrapped my arms around the back that so closely resembled Ruri-chan's. I wasn't interested in anything but pain. There wasn't a shred of sincerity in what I said or did—those were simply the rational means of gathering food for the parasites. Everything I said and did was purely for the sake of earning the reward I sought out, of finally receiving pain. But that rationale was absent at the moment. Ruri-chan's mom definitely didn't want to hurt me. She was the kind of person who wouldn't hurt a fly. And yet, here I was responding to her feelings. And for what...?

Deep down in my heart, did I want them to be saved?

I didn't want to keep Ruri-chan waiting forever, so I accepted the bento box, stuffed it into my bag, and put on my shoes. As I was leaving the entrance, I heard a voice from behind me.

"Have a nice day. Watch out for cars, okay?"

I didn't understand what she meant at first. But once I got down the front steps and met up with Ruri-chan, I realized it was a totally normal exchange between family members. I looked behind me, not expecting her parents to still be there. They were still waving.

"See you later." The words left my lips with the same confidence as speaking in a foreign tongue. I wondered whether I said the right thing.

No. I’m not sure there was a right thing to say.

A rewarding warmth spread through my chest and settled there. I wondered what form it would take if I kept piling feelings like this by doing it again every day. And if I was curious to see where that might take me... did that mean... I was still in my chrysalis?